Crawdaddy! The Magazine of Rock

Weezer
Raditude
(DGC/Interscope, 2009)

“And when I daydream / We’re eating ice cream!”
- Rivers Cuomo, “Put Me Back Together”

Who would have ever thought that one day we’d look back at the first two Weezer albums and say, “Hey, remember when those guys had some semblance of maturity?” Indeed, there was a time (over a decade ago!) when every corny sitcom and Green Day reference Weezer turned in was tempered with PG-13 subject matter like paternal alcoholism or the futility of the bachelor lifestyle. These days, S-E-X is a four letter word to Rivers Cuomo and his track suit-adorned posse, and they’re just as likely to reference Vitamin Water as booze when discussing a serious party. Any lingering doubts have been completely wiped out now; Raditude cements Weezer (median age 40) as America’s oldest tweens. At this point, even Hilary Duff has moved on past Titanic and Chiclets as lyrical subject matter.

Of course, following tripe like “Beverly Hills” and last year’s mind-bogglingly bad “Troublemaker”, no one expected the big W to suddenly start being adult again. It’s become too much fun, this sick game that goes on between Weezer and music fans—they dress their infectious rock melodies with as much stupid as possible, and the world raises their pitchforks and torches in anger. The court of popular opinion holds the Jonas Brothers-style kiddie rock in contempt? Then that is what Weezer shall aspire to be. Raditude is packed with slick ‘n’ vapid bouncers like “The Girl Got Hot” and “Let It All Hang Out” that sound like demos for the next Disney-sponsored teen sensation, toothless exercises painfully lacking the grunge guitar crunch that once made this band so tasty. Hell, Weezer even penned a song dedicated to the mall this time around, the ultimate setting for disposable pop heroes and heroines. Pinkerton just went from Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret to Apocalypse Now.

That’s not to say Cuomo has totally forgotten how to be supreme alterna-creep numero uno—he is, after all, exiting his 30s occasionally sporting the largest porn ’stache this side of John Holmes. Thus, a song like “I’m Your Daddy” boasting the lines “This ain’t impossible / This ain’t improbable” (wink, wink) should give any right-minded person a good case of the skeevies. “Can’t Stop Partying”, a Lady Gaga stab co-written by Kris Kross perpetrator Jermaine Dupri, is equally unnerving when Rivers desperately declares “I gotta have a lot of pretty girls around me.” “Partying” builds to a guest verse by Lil Wayne that has all the gusto and edge-of-your-seat excitement as your average episode of Two and a Half Men; surprisingly, this is not the most painful moment of Raditude. Nay, that would be the sitar Weezer inexplicably breaks out for “Love Is the Answer.” The sitar officially became the album equivalent of shouting “Free Bird!” at a packed concert years ago. Its presence is practically inexcusable.

There are touching moments on Raditude, such as the lovelorn, emo power ballad “Put Me Back Together” and the softer “I Don’t Want to Let You Go”, but no emotion here is strong enough to save the proceedings from sounding like a four-way collision between the J. Geils Band, Jimmy Eat World, John Oates, and J.C. Penney. Even last year’s sporadic Red Album offered more inspired fare, and that one had a song on it called “Everybody Get Dangerous.” Raditude is not the sound of a band on autopilot so much as it’s the sound of a band asleep at the big wheel, rolling down a steep hill with a warm Mountain Dew in one hand and Pixy Stix in the other. This was probably Weezer’s mission statement when they first hit record; as such, we cannot begrudge them. Irritating America is Weezer’s job. If we didn’t have them to rile us up by acting like brazen fools unaware of their “important musical legacy,” who would get our blood moving? Letters to Cleo? The Spin Doctors? Let’s face it: We’re stuck with Weezer until they’re too old and fat to seem remotely cute to anyone. Let’s just shut up and try to enjoy the ride.

P.S. Yes, I have contacted PETA regarding the cover of Raditude. No animal should ever be allowed to look that stupid in hopes of boosting record sales.

Listen: Various Tracks [at myspace.com]

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