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Ten Replacements Songs That Could Also Be Terrible Romantic Comedies
Hold My Life — A cell phone accessory salesman (Bradley Cooper) doesn’t think his life can get any worse until his unstable mail carrier (Katherine Heigl) takes him hostage over a case of mistaken identity. Little do these two know they’ll fall in love before the S.W.A.T. team arrives!
I’ll Buy — Eskimo bartender (Vince Vaughn) falls head over heels for a young amateur dart champion (Jessica Alba). Unfortunately, it isn’t always a bullseye when these two hit the professional dart circuit!
Color Me Impressed — A popular children’s TV host (Sandra Bullock) runs into her grade school crush (Owen Wilson) at the county fair and can’t believe he’s now a champion hog caller. A series of awkward dates follow, leaving audiences wondering who the REAL clown is in this madcap love affair!
If Only You Were Lonely — Work becomes uncomfortable for a divorced grocery store manager (Jennifer Aniston) when a disheveled loner (Jim Carrey) begins stalking her during the night shift. Eventually the loner’s secret past as Alabama’s greatest breakdancer is revealed, and the two find out love doesn’t accept coupons.
Favorite Thing — Tensions mount when a plus size model (Kirstie Alley) must choose between her castrated lumberjack husband (John Travolta) and a virile young plumber (Chris Tucker).
Love You Till Friday — A narcoleptic advertising exec (Matthew Perry) falls for multiple women but must choose only one to accompany him to his mother’s third wedding.
Lovelines — A popular AM talk show host (Luke Wilson) stands up to authority and refuses to go off the air when he is fired. Only his smitten neighbor (Rachel McAdams) can eventually prove to him there’s life outside the booth.
Treatment Bound — Insanity reigns when a woman obsessed with Curly Howard (Renée Zellweger) is committed by her family and meets a doctor who bears resemblance to the famous funny man (Kevin James). Sparks fly as the pair try to figure out who the REAL patient is in this madcap comedy!
Here Comes A Regular — Sexy psychiatrist (Scarlett Johansson) has endless patients, but only one who keeps HER up at night: a sexy foreigner (Gerard Butler) who thinks his socks are slowly eating his legs.
I.O.U. — An unkempt slob with a heart of gold (Artie Lange) robs a bank and inadvertently steals the love of a lonely teller (Zoe Saldana). The romance heats up when cops try to frame the bank manager and our messy robber must come to his paramour’s rescue.
25 Comments
You forgot “Within Your Reach”… that’s got cheesy romantic comedy written all over it. Hilarious write up tho!
Thanks! I think “Within Your Reach” was actually used in “Say Anything,” though, so it’s already in that rom-com outhouse.
Brilliant. I will be shocked if the studios don’t option at least one of these.
I’m pretty sure this is how Adventureland came into being…
Man, this is about the funniest thing I’ve read in a really long time! Kudos, Mr. Greene! I love the ‘Mats!
The list is missing “Garry’s Got a Bonner”. Tragic.
How could you miss “Adrogymous” starring Sandra Bullock as a vaguely mannish looking woman who finds love with Robert Downey, Jr. as a vaguely womanish looking man who find love in the politely edgy suburbs of Minneapolis/St. Paul.
How about this one: “Skyway”, a bittersweet romantic comedy about a Minneapolis graffitti artist (Clark Duke) who catches site of a pretty art school student (Kristin Kreuk) in the skyway above his avenue and attempts to woo her with murals over the course of ten months, as their fortunes and careers begin to change.
Actually, “Favorite Thing” sounds pretty awesome. I’d watch it.
Skyway could actually be good, though he has to begin the film as a homeless graffiti artist.
Can Alex Chilton be made about a incredibly talented man (Michael Imperioli) whose fear of success and penchant for 14 year old groupies prevents him from being anything other than a hipster touchstone?
Oh, and I see Happy Town as a Twin Peaks-esque TV series with Sam Neill. Do you think that could work, or do you think it will be canceled after only a few episodes?
@ Matt: Love the Alex Chilton biopic none-to-thinly-disguised!
Thank you for all your kind words. I approve all of your extra submissions so far and am especially excited to talk to Clark Duke about starring in “Skyway.”
Little Mascara — a tween pop-star (Selena Gomez) tries to advance her career as a serious actress with the help of a conniving studio PA whom she’s mistaken for his lookalike, a well-known wunderkind director (Seth Green, in a dual role). When the director and the PA each fall for the singer, both her career and her heart hang in the balance.
can we add Paul Westerbergs solo stuff? Dyslexic Heart i know it was used in Singles but that movies wasnt really funny so i dont think it counts. Maybe Ben Stiller is a shy teacher at Adult Education Center when he finds romance with a student (Elizabeth Banks) that not only cant read words but cant read the signs that her teacher is in love with her. Hilarity ensues as the two stumble from one zany misunderstanding to the next.
How do we pitch these? Can we add “Customer?” A desperate, pimply-faced teen (Nathan Kress from “ICarly ought to be available) goes into a convenience store to try to hit on the girl behind the counter. Each week he picks up a more random and embarrassing item to purchase. Instead of a date, he just gets worried looks. Wacky hi-jinks ensue.
I think we could launch an entire studio dedicated to pumping out this crap. Investors – I have near-perfect credit!
Hilarious post, made me laugh my ass out.
I would actually go see Love You Till Friday…it would be “bad” in the way Three to Tango was “bad.” But still really funny.
Some of these ideas are great but perhaps they’d be better shorts than full lengths flicks. So, how about a movie written around a whole album: “Pleased to meet me” is begging to be a main title under which there are vignettes crafted around those tracks. It would work.
And then there’s the Mould based movie project: “Poison Years”…moody but again about figuring things out on the fly and being around to appreciate the journey.
Ah…. reminiscing about good ole music days and growing up as an X-gen’r with such alterna-anthems.
Cheers! ;-)
“Achin’ to Be”
A workaholic career women (Reese Witherspoon) whose been putting off her much needed root canal, goes to see the handsome new dentist in town (Greg Kinnear) and learns that nitrous oxide isn’t the only thing that makes her feel light headed.
“My Little Problem”
An unemployed slacker (Freddie Prinze Jr.) answers his door one morning to see a teenage girl (Demi Lovato) who turns out to be his daughter! Many life lessons are learned as they attempted to track down mommy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and reunite the family that was created on Prom Night 16 years ago.
“We’ll Inherit the Earth”
Oh wait, that’s a post-apocalyptic thriller starring Matt Damon, not a romantic comedy.
“Lovelines” actually sounds pretty entertaining. Definitely a rental.
Awesome list! I fuckin’ love the mats! :) Okay, I got one…
I Will Dare- How young are you? How old am I? 19 year old Emily moves to a Minneapolis suburb only to find out that one of her new neighbors is her hero, the former frontman of a great 80’s rock band. They discover they have many of things in common, and after spending some time with him, she begins to feel much more than just respect for her married has been-hero!
I’m In Trouble: A neurotic, unpopular video game champ (Jonah Hill) can’t figure out why the cutest girl at his community college (Ellen Page) keeps flirting with him, until he discovers that she wants to lose her virginity to “someone she couldn’t possibly have feelings for” before she gets sent to a nunnery in Switzerland. What starts out as an attempt to land a pity-screw turns into a weekend that neither of them will ever forget.
“Shiftless When Idle”
Cody (Shia LaBeouf) is a brooding, introverted hot rodder from the mean streets of Fairlawn N.J. who’s attention is rarely wrestled away from his 67 hemi cuda that he inherited from his dad (who as it turned out died in a fiery car crash, but in a different car, ok?). Julie (Lauren Graham) plays a neighborhood woman who’s just old enough to know better (it turns out that she used to date his dad and…it’s weird)
Things get heated when Julie’s retired cop husband and Cody get into a drag race at midnight over on county line road, head on collisions, ambulance lights…but which car was Julie in…?
See the movie!