Them Crooked Vultures
Them Crooked Vultures
(Interscope, 2009)

The debut album from hard rock supergroup Them Crooked Vultures is a fairly mediocre exercise until you take into consideration bassist John Paul Jones. It was probably no easy feat for the other two Vultures, Queens of the Stone Age frontman Josh Homme and Foo Fighter Dave Grohl, to record an album with a Revolutionary War hero who died precisely 217 years ago. That they could rouse any kind of performance from the long-expired sea captain is, in fact, nothing short of a miracle. Them Crooked Vultures deserve not only a Grammy but several major scientific awards for defying the laws of nature in such a bold, successful manner.

I have just been informed that the John Paul Jones in question is actually the bass player from English music legends Led Zeppelin. While that’s still quite a “get” for our pals Homme and Grohl (Zep’s Jones is known for his finicky nature), it saddens me to learn the space-time continuum has not actually been ruptured by Brody Dalle’s husband and the former drummer for Nirvana. Maybe next time, guys.

Regarding the actual music contained on Them Crooked Vultures, ’tis little more than a murky aural stew boasting the vague flavors of its highly pedigreed ingredients. Like Velvet Revolver and Chickenfoot before them, TCV remain so firmly rooted in a rote 1970s classic rock sound (a sound most commonly associated with, oh, I don’t know, Led Zeppelin and the Foo Fighters) that there is no way anyone who remembers Wolfman Jack or Lynda Carter will dislike them. By the same hand, the Vultures do so little to explore new ideas that there is no way anyone who has ever posted to 4chan or watched Glee will be excited by them. We’ve heard Homme and Grohl whip up thrilling music in the past. Is the influence of the mercurial Jones really that strong?

There are some killer riffs to be found here, like the wobbly one that holds up “Dead End Friends”, but the band’s insistence on staying in third gear tempo-wise makes the entire album seem to go on for an eternity. They could have shaved two minutes off nearly every track and still brought in nearly an hour’s worth of music. I guess sometimes when you “lock into a groove,” the “power of the rock” is too immense to stop from “enveloping your soul.” On a related note, there are a few percussion moments on Them Crooked Vultures that suggest someone was merely tapping on a bong with a pencil.

To be fair, the musicians themselves are in top form. Grohl’s drumming is crisp and precise. Homme’s voice alternates as usual between swaggering, dreamy, and paint-huffing creepy. In addition to his bass work, JP Jones throws out some keyboard dalliances that certainly liven up the proceedings. The recording and production, handled by the three men in question, was clearly done in a professional setting; if any screaming children or howling dogs were in attendance, they were expertly excised from the recording. The worst accusation you can level at Them Crooked Vultures concerns the songwriting—it’s boring, uninspired fart rock we’ve endured a trillion times before. You might as well be pouring molasses in my ear.

Most of the song titles on this record are equally eye-rolling. “Mind Eraser, No Chaser.” “Interlude with Ludes.” “Caligulove.” Who came up with these, the LSD-addled bum who lives in the dumpster behind the Hy-Vee on Route 12? If so, his name is Gene and he needs his diabetes medicine. Please make sure he gets it. We don’t want a repeat of last Christmas.

As far as vanity projects go, Them Crooked Vultures isn’t nearly as painful or offensive as Russell Crowe’s band or any of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s musical releases. Still, for a record boasting such major league talent, TCV is painfully and offensively dull. Sammy Hagar’s wretched cover of “Fight for Your Right” was more inspired and daring than anything here. Perhaps next time the Vultures should try to hire a several centuries dead historical figure to participate in their album. Then they’d at least have an interesting angle (and a potential Ghost Hunters tie-in!).

Listen: Various Tracks [at myspace.com]

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