Last week, Pitchfork counted down the top 200 albums of the past decade in their Ken Burns-y musical aughts retrospective entitled “P2K.” Would you believe Rock ‘n’ Roll Gangster by Fieldy’s Dreams did not take the top spot? So much for my theory that the rap album Korn’s bass player made in 2002 defined the current generation. It’s a shame, because I was really looking forward to watching TV 20 years from now and seeing self-important montages of razor scooters and MySpace set to the dulcet, heart-mending tones of “Child Vigilante” and “Baby Hugh Hef.”

Seems kinda silly Pitchfork wasted so much bandwidth discussing albums when taste-maker/trend-setter Rob Zombie declared that format dead half a decade ago. Don’t worry; this 200 best album list thingy was merely an after dinner mint compared to the steak and potatoes au gratin P-fork unleashed last August: The “Top 500 Tracks of the 2000s.” 500! I bet you didn’t even know they made 500 songs since 1999. It’s true. While radio has seemed like one long, insufferable John Mayer song interspersed with pieces of Britney and Nickelback since the millennium began, there have actually been a plethora of artists slaving away at music having nothing to do with beer commercials or seducing young actresses. Crazy, I know, but true.

Let’s be frank: Out of the 500 songs dissected on Pitchfork’s list, the only ones anyone gives a fig about are the top 10, and that site’s apex faves read like the playlist Jim and Pam probably listen to every morning at grandma volumes during their commute to Dunder-Mifflin. Have a look-see:

10. Arcade Fire – “Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)”
9. Animal Collective – “My Girls”
8. Radiohead – “Idioteque”
7. Missy Elliott – “Get Ur Freak On”
6. Yeah Yeah Yeahs – “Maps”
5. Daft Punk – “One More Time”
4. Beyoncé [ft. Jay-Z] – “Crazy In Love”
3. M.I.A. [ft. Bun B and Rich Boy] – “Paper Planes (Diplo Remix)”
2. LCD Soundsystem – “All My Friends”
1. Outkast – “B.O.B.”

Now, I’m not arguing that there aren’t some truly killer songs on the big P’s list, but I think the 2000s have been a little more colorful than that particular cross section. I threw my own list together after a couple days of one-man think-tankin’ and drink-tankin’. Here’s what I came up with (complete with overblown, pretentious explanations):

10. “Party Up (Up In Here)” by DMX

We all thought DMX was just being coy when he announced, “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind up in here, up in here,” but then it actually happened. “Party Up’s” rabid verses have been lent an uncomfortable air of legitimacy in the past decade thanks to X’s endless criminal entanglements and his bizarre, out-of-the-loop persona (the MC famously claimed in 2008 to have never heard of Barack Obama; seconds later, he openly questioned the Senator’s birth moniker: “That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here…Ima tell this nigga when I see him, ‘Stop that bullshit…that ain’t your fuckin’ name.’ Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.”). Yet even in a crazy-free vacuum, “Party Up” is a hard-charging, danceable barn-burner, a song that ramps up rap bravado to hilarious and brilliant levels. You can’t argue with crisp rhymes like, “Listen, yo’ ass is about to be missin’! You know who gonna find you? Some old man fishin’!” [Ed: Although …And Then There Was X was released December 21, 1999, the single version of “Party Up” was released in February 2000.]

9. “Ho” by Ludacris

You know a song is important when no less than Bob Costas is heard quoting it. Like a misogynist “Weird Al,” Ludacris twists his loose woman diss to Dr. Seussian levels of wordplay (“There you ho again!”) before admitting that “most of us [African-American gentlemen] are hos, too!” During a period when rap/R&B seemed to be churning out quasi-novelty songs by the boatload (remember that Shaggy song about having sex on the bathroom floor?), Ludacris pushed the already loose boundaries with “Ho.” Technically speaking, his delivery was creative, fun, and smooth, which is why Luda managed to break out and define himself as one of the biggest sensations of the iPod era.

8. “99 Problems” by Jay-Z

Rick Rubin is a real son of a gun. For years, Rubin’s been intercepting artists on a pretty normal, mostly autonomous career trajectory and forcing his weird urban swami production magic upon them. The results always push said artists into the damn stratosphere, and nothing after that is ever really the same. That’s exactly what Rick did for Jay-Z when he conjured up the guitar ‘n’ drum backing track for “99 Problems”, a beat that’s somehow gritty and street while simultaneously sounding bigger and bolder than Zeus’ dick. Jay’s four minutes of deliciously cocky complaining on “99” finds not a line out of place; in fact, seems every other lyric from this song because a catchphrase unto itself. This was the crossover masterpiece Hova needed to permanently cement his dominance in the global music game, and it came not a moment too soon.

7. “You Think I Ain’t Worth a Dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire” by Queens of the Stone Age

The best album-opener of the decade. The best “let’s drive 105 mph through the desert at three in the morning tripping balls on Mountain Dew and lawn fertilizer” song of the decade. The only 21st century appropriation of Iggy and the Stooges that seemed as legitimately dangerous as the genuine article. Queens of the Stone Age clubbed a lot of people in the face with their 2002 magnum stoner-rock opus Songs for the Deaf, and this opening salvo seemed to do the most direct damage. When you’ve got Dave Grohl drumming, you need to (if I may steal a phrase from Louisa May Alcott) pound those guitars like fuckin’ jackhammers. The warm haze that resulted was equal parts sex, sweat, and seizure. QOTSA would spend the rest of the 2000s trying to recapture this lightning in a bottle. Generally, they would fail.

6. “Candyman” by Christina Aguilera

There just aren’t enough Andrews Sisters throwbacks on radio at any given time. Thank God Britney is the one who lost her marbles and went all Bobby Brown on us—then we wouldn’t have “Candyman”, the breeziest, most pleasin’-est slice of musical fluff since that “Genie” song Christina Ag debuted with. Xtina manages to vocally steamroll all the other teenybopper sexpots even when she’s goofing off. This probably means she’ll outlast ’em all, too. Sorry, Mandy Moore. If it’s any consolation, you’ll always look cleaner.

5. “Hell Yeah (Pimp the System)” by Dead Prez

“Hell Yeah”, a song that finds its poverty-stricken protagonists engaging in various scams and crimes in order to pay their rent in George Bush’s jobless craptopia, contains the funniest and most astute lyric covering the struggle of America’s have-nots. From the mouth of the fast food employee: “Don’t put me on dishes, I’m droppin’ them bitches / And takin’ all day long to mop the kitchen / Shit, we ain’t gettin’ paid commission, minimum wage, modern day slave conditions / Got me flippin’ burgers with no power / Can’t even buy one off what I make in an hour.” A startling wake-up call and probably the most honest rap song of the aughts. Just do yourself a favor and don’t watch the video, which is nearly ridiculous enough to almost negate “Hell Yeah’s” entire platform.

4. “I Got a War” by Gluecifer

The hard rock revival of the late ’90s actually peaked in 2000 when this Norwegian outfit dropped Tender Is the Savage, their muscular Sub Pop debut that the company sadly bungled. That was a shame, because Tender is packed from beginning to end with anthems of pure adrenaline and cocksure riffage. “I Got a War” delivers the Gluecifer manifesto of sorts; a cascading riff and solid drum beat back crooning singer Biff Malibu as he preps you for his attack (“Grab a chair, you’re gonna need a shield, ’cause I got so much in store / I tell ya baby, I got a war!”). Despite the violent threats, “War” maintains a playful tone. This is a song anyone can wiggle their bum to while combing hair or mopping the floor.

3. “Ugliness” by Iggy Pop

Iggy doing what he does best—screaming his nuts off about how uncomfortable and nervous he feels within the context of normal society over a wall of big dumb rock ‘n’ roll noise. Ig’s vitriolic delivery is amazing on “Ugliness”, bitterly calling out “the cocksuckers on MTV” and generally sounding like he isn’t a day over 35. Pop gets so worked up he even voices his excitement over the song’s chord changes (“Here comes the middle part—here it comes!”). Probably the last truly great song James Osterberg has given the world, and probably also the last truly great punk song to be recorded. This came as a complete surprise when it was released in 2001. A car horn instead of a guitar solo? So much for Iggy’s Far-Out Poetry Corner or whatever the hell Avenue B was supposed to be.

2. “B.O.B.“ by Outkast

The feel-good rave pop hit of the decade. Beautiful, inspirational, uplifting, tooth-rattlingly fast, and more booty-shakin’ than anything else Outkast ever produced. It’s a shame the ecstasy wore off after this one and the boys slowed down to regular rap tempos. I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but everything else in Dre and Big Boi’s catalog kinda bores me.

1. “America, Fuck Yeah” by DVDA

No song better defined life in this country during the Bush Era. Is it any surprise our greatest piece of musical satire came from the creators of South Park? Even outside the inherent parody, “America, Fuck Yeah” is amazing—the damn thing’s melody is catchier than a venereal disease! Team America: World Police, the film “America” was written for, came out half a decade ago, but you can still whip everyone I know into a frenzy by shouting out anything followed by a hearty, “fuck yeah!” Who knew Parker and Stone could write kick-ass rock songs, too?

HONORARY MENTIONS: Mclusky’s “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues”, the energy drink anthem of the new millennium; William Shatner’s version of “Common People”; Joey Ramone’s version of “What a Wonderful World”; Gwen Stefani’s “Hollaback Girl” (it takes brass ones to release a song that annoying with your real name on it); Andrew W.K.’s “Party Hard” (same); Calamine’s “Sealab 2021 Theme”; and the Vines’ “Get Free” (mainly because it’s the song they performed during their epic meltdown on “Letterman”).

Now, let the ceremonial violent disagreement with/bitter trashing of the columnist begin. In my defense, I’d like to state that I’m from France and I’ve never actually listened to music. So go ahead, put my head on a goddamn platter. Just know it’s not going to change the fact I seriously named that “Ho” song as one of the best of the century.

Tags: best songs of the decade, 2000s 

Read past installments of Over a Beer:

How Devo Prevented Me From Going All Rambo

Velvet Revolver Should Hire a Damn Muppet

Less Than Zero OST: Eight Barrels of Awesome