Hey, can someone explain to me just what the hell the deal is with all these Arnold Schwarzenegger tribute bands running around on the scene today? Last time I checked, there were exactly two (2) rock groups ripping shit up whose platforms revolve solely around Da Gubbenator and his cinematic legacy. I don’t want to alarm anyone, but this is two more Arnold Schwarzenegger tribute bands than were in existence 10 years ago. Is this a trend we should be seriously concerned about? Probably not, but I’m awaiting comment from President Obama just the same.

The first offender is this five-piece band from California called ArnoCorps, who all dress like Dutch from Predator and play goofy power metal songs based on the numerous “Austrian folk tales” that Hollywood “bastardized” for Arnie’s popular action movies. Cute concept, although I refuse to believe any culture has folklore resembling the plot to Raw Deal. ArnoCorps has one album under their belt, 2005’s humbly titled The Greatest Band of All Time. The singer’s accent is kind of weak, but the group’s videos are amusing, and I can’t argue with how cool their guitarist looks in that combat helmet. I can’t imagine how bemused/annoyed/embarrassed their mothers/wives/girlfriends are. Truth be told, ArnoCorps is only one or two pieces of foam rubber away from being the new GWAR.

The other Arnold tribute out there—the superior and less damaging Arnold tribute, I feel—is Total Brutal, an incredibly satisfying 40-minute death metal interpretation of various Schwarzenegger catchphrases (“Get to the Choppa”, “Come With Me If You Want to Live”, “It’s Not a Tumor”, etc.) credited to a pummeling act called Austrian Death Machine. It’s actually a solo venture from As I Lay Dying frontman Tim Lambesis, who went the full nine by hiring an Arnold impersonator so good I wouldn’t be surprised if it actually turned out to be the real “Gummy Bear of Candycornia.” The impersonator’s inflections are just amazing. Regardless of the songs, Total Brutal warrants repeat listens thanks to the excited monologues of Faux Arnie (particularly his “broo-tall” song idea, “Discombobulated Corpse Termination Urbanization Governmentalization Explosive Montezuma’s Blasting Power Revenge”).

The real Schwarzenegger, a confirmed metal fan who has made appearances in videos for both AC/DC and Guns N’ Roses, must feel his rapidly aging chest swell with pride over these loving and hardcore musical tributes (assuming he keeps tabs on musical send-ups of his energetic, gap-toothed persona). Yet all of this begs one question: Where in the hell are all the rebuttal Sylvester Stallone tribute bands? Surely John Rambo, the Jewel of Jackie’s Loins, deserves some hot metal love of his own. I demand that the new band Taylor Hanson and James Iha just formed change their agenda to one that reflects the greatness of Stallone. Like Arnie, they could craft an entire album from the Italian Stallion’s classic catchphrases. “Not That It’s Over”, “Yo, Adrian, I Did It”, “I Just Dropped in to Say Hi”, “This Is Serious Up Here”, “Prepare to Be Judged”, “Whoa, I Can’t Believe I’m Singing With Dolly Parton”… they practically write themselves. They could probably even get his singing brother Frank in on the action.

Whoa, a Sylvester Stallone-themed rock group fronted by Frank Stallone? Talk about a threat to national security.

Actually, what’s really surprising is the complete lack of Chuck Norris tribute bands in the world today. I would have figured with that whole “Chuck Norris does something and then something crazy happens” list that was in heavy circulation on the internet two or three years ago, there would be a bevy of CN rockers clogging concert halls and VFW halls. No dice. The only Norris-related musical act I could locate was merely piggybacking on the popularity of the fake Texas Ranger’s name. How disheartening. Then again, the fad of ironic Norris praise did seem to burn out faster than Cuba Gooding’s post-Oscar career. Some memes just weren’t built to last. I guess the Chuck Norris fact creators should have thrown in a LOLCat or two just for the sake of longevity (“I can haz Delta Force?”).

Hey, you know what I just remembered? There used to be a band called Charles Bronson that relied pretty heavily on Death Wish imagery. They were grindcore, though, and they were never entirely about the catharsis surrounding Chucky B’s patented brand of 1970s street vengeance. Yeah, Charles Bronson definitely had more of an Anal Cunt thing going on with the brief noise blasts and the offensive/wacky song titles (“Let’s Start a Revolution So I Can Break Some Shit”, “They Should Legalize Drugs So You Can Hurry Up and Fucking Die”, etc). I think The Simpsons got more mileage out of actor-Charles Bronson-as-bad-ass. Yes, I just implied Ralph Wiggum is more hardcore than Mark McCoy. Deal with it.

Oh fuck! You know who totally deserves a sick heavy metal homage? The American Ninja himself, Michael Dudikoff! He’s got DUDE right in his name! Plus, his filmography is practically interchangeable with the track listing of any given hard rock/heavy metal album: Black Thunder, Moving Target, Cyberjack, Chain of Command, Radioactive Dreams, Uncommon Valor, Bloody Birthday, Enter the Ninja, and The Black Marble. Man, somebody PLEASE get on that. Judas Priest, I’m looking in your direction. Move away from Renaissance soothsayers towards straight-to-video kick-boxers. Thanks in advance.

By the way, Bloody Birthday is the much-ballyhooed 1981 horror flick in which cute, shapely ’80s comedienne Julie Brown unleashes her own American Ninjas, if you know what I’m talking about (and I think you do). Heavens to Murgatroyd. Yes, I just made a Snagglepuss reference. Again, deal.

Listen: Austrian Death Machine, “It’s Not a Tumor” [at youtube.com]

Tags:Arnold Schwarzenegger, ArnoCorps, Austrian Death Machine, As I Lay Dying, Charles Bronson

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