In pulling down our holiday decorations from the attic, I came across a massive box of four-track recordings on cassette—decades old and over a decade’s worth of songs that may never be heard again if they were ever heard at all. They were recorded on a remarkable tool, a portable multitrack recorder that could record four distinct tracks of audio onto a cassette tape. Historically, audio cassettes are four-track mediums—stereo left and right in one direction (Side A), and stereo left and right in the other direction (Side B). But since a four-track recorder records all four tracks in one direction, listening to these heartfelt musings would require a trip to Ye Olde eBay.

While I was going through this archive, reading labels, and trying to remember by the look of the tapes what was on the ones I never did label, I spied a large envelope. Inside, surprisingly, I found dozens of old letters from me to Santa, mostly from the ’80s as far as I could tell. How and why they ended up with these multitrack archives I had no idea, until I read a few and realized; here’s this week’s column…

Dear Santa,

For Christmas, I want a Fostex X15 four-channel multitrack cassette recorder. It’s so small it will fit into a large handbag, or small suitcase, definitely my high school backpack. In my stocking, I would like a pack of 90-minute audio cassettes for all the epic concept albums I plan to do about whales and smog. High bias, please, no metal tapes, they are bad for the ozone, which whales breathe, I think.

I also want a Marshall stack. And a really long, tightly coiled guitar cable so I can rock really hard over a large radius and still find my way back to my amp.

For your enjoyment, Santa, here are some lyrics I’m working on for the first of many whale-saving opuses I plan to record:

‘Til the End
A fight for Survival
‘Til the end
Must Nature be the Rival (sing rival in heavy metal scream circa 1980 so it sounds like Rive-owe with the “owe” really drawn out)

Merry Christmas,

Max

***

Dear Santa,

Thanks for getting the bass player in my band, Ozone, the Fostex X15 multitracker. It’s almost as good as if you got it for me ’cause he lets me borrow it. If he doesn’t, then he can’t use my Ovation column PA you got me instead. By the way, I think your sack might have a hole in it because one of the PA’s speaker columns is damp in one corner and it never seems to dry out. That corner smells funny, so I make sure it’s on the bass player’s side of the garage. It’s okay though, Santa, because I really like the PA. It won’t fit in any suitcase I’ve ever seen, but we can put it in the camper if we ever get a gig and the camper can be like our tour bus.

This year I would like a purple electric guitar, a flanger, and a Fostex X15 multitrack cassette recorder. I don’t think Fender or Gibson make purple guitars so you may have to look at the Japanese models. I’m fine with that, except that the Japanese love killing whales. I get the last laugh though because I will play all my whale songs on it and that’s ironic, I think.

Also, I’m not sure if asking for the same present in consecutive letters to you is taboo. If it is, then please get me the Tascam Portastudio 144 four-channel multitrack cassette recorder. Bruce Springsteen used it to record Nebraska (the album, not the state). And, well, even though I won’t like the Boss until I’m much older (he wears no makeup, and dresses sort of regular), my older sister’s boyfriends like him and they smoke pot.

I would also like a kimono and a samurai headband to wear at a gig.

Also, I cherry-picked some more of my whale lyrics as my present to you:

They are the fathers of Earth
They gave all of us birth
And then we thank them with steely harpoons
Just to make my girlfriend perfumes

Peace to you and our whale friends,

Max

PS: The bass player said I should ask for a book on lyric writing, but can I have some pot instead? I heard on a Cheech and Chong record that you are cool with pot.