Cops on horseback. Clouds of tear gas. People angrily shouting obscenities and the sound of bottles smashing on the pavement. These are some of the things I was expecting to greet me when I got off the 23rd Street stop of the F train this past Sunday in Manhattan. This day was to see the Best Buy-exclusive release of Chinese Democracy, the goofily titled sixth studio effort from Guns N’ Roses, and I know how New Yorkers are. People can’t go through the express lane at the grocery store here without getting into fistfights. To believe a pre-9am mob of Big Apple Guns N’ Roses fans could wait patiently outside a midtown Best Buy on such a bone-chilling November morn without at least lighting one trashcan on fire or turning over one cop car would be akin to believing in Skippy the Breakdancing Lima Bean. That’s why I aborted my original decision to arrive dressed as Buckethead. I was sure these people would be in no mood for such idiotic shenanigans.

Imagine my shock, my genuine surprise, when I stepped off the subway to a virtually empty 23rd Street. It was like I Am Legend, except Will Smith and his trusty dog were nowhere to be found. Midtown appeared dead. Nothing was on fire. No cars were teetering upside down. It was nine minutes after nine and the Best Buy was deserted. I stepped through the doors with uncertainty and proceeded to the down escalator. A lone sales associate could be seen on the ground floor setting up a moderately sized Chinese Democracy promotional stand. This employee was not fending off an army of leather clad hooligans. He was not having to mace any rowdy Axl impersonators. I saw exactly one other guy in that Best Buy with a copy of the new GN’R album tucked under his arm. It was vinyl.

You can’t play that in an ’86 Camaro, I thought.

Something was afoot. I was standing less than a foot away from Chinese Democracy, the legendary, overblown rock ‘n’ roll album from Guns N’ Roses no one ever thought would see the light of day, and I was in no danger of being trampled. No one was elbowing me out of the way to scoop up multiple copies. I had plenty of breathing room and did not feel light-headed at all. Trained paramedics were nowhere in sight. What the hell? Did Slash spike everyone’s Dr Pepper? This was supposed to be the rock music event of the millennium, but no one was there. A severe fright took over my body. I knew where I was. It wasn’t the jungle. I was gonna liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIVE!!!!!!!!!

Slowly, it began to dawn on me: The chase is better than the catch. For a decade and a half now, we’ve been accosted with the ridiculous fairytale surrounding Chinese Democracy, the 14 songs that took longer to assemble than the World Trade Center and the Hoover Dam combined (the drums alone took five years to get down). This son of a bitch cost more than twice the annual defense budget of most third world countries. No less than five guitarists, three keyboardists, seven producers, and one rapping basketball player were allegedly involved. In terms of construction, Chinese Democracy made Waterworld look like Clerks. Fourteen damn years. That’s beyond epic. Every once in a while during that interim, Axl would pop out of his multi-million dollar Malibu rabbit hole and spread some more GN’R lies.

“Album’s done. It’s coming out soon. Excuse me, I gotta go punch Tommy Hilfiger for no reason.”

Dumb rock critics and obsessives like me bought into the craziness and sat down on the 50-yard line eagerly awaiting the Super Bowl of Bullshit Rock ‘n’ Roll Excess. The problem, of course, was that Chinese Democracy couldn’t possibly live up to anyone’s expectations. There was no way its release wouldn’t be anti-climactic in every way (unless Axl figured out how to clone and include himself with every single copy of the album). Besides, the world’s become a much different place since we last dealt with the wild rock ‘n’ roll stylings of Guns N’ Roses. We’ve had four presidential elections. Four Batman movies have been made. Three Spider-Man movies have been made. Two friggin’ Punisher movies have been made. Over 100 new species of frogs have been discovered in Sri Lanka alone. A new 90210 started. We figured out who Deep Throat was. Pete Rose admitted to betting on baseball. The Red Sox won a World Series. An entire planet in our solar system has been demoted. Guns N’ Roses? That sounds like something that happened in the Before Times, back when our ancestors roamed the Earth wearing pagers and slap bracelets.

It’s hard to say how Chinese Democracy would have fared had it come out 10 or 12 years ago like it was supposed to. Maybe it would have been lost in the rap-metal din. Maybe it would have ushered in a new era of GN’R. Maybe it would have somehow prevented the Strokes from attaining any level of fame or success whatsoever. I don’t know, because Chinese Democracy did not come out 10 or 12 years ago—it came out Sunday, November 23, 2008. Perhaps if Axl had a good excuse for the 15-year gap between The Spaghetti Incident? and this lush aural landscape (i.e. trapped in utility freezer, accidentally shot off songwritin’ toe, severe case of the dropsies), the general public would be more excited about his triumphant return. As it stands, William Bailey spent all that time just dickin’ around in the studio, occasionally knocking off early to hang out with his new age guru or attend the NBA Finals. Methinks after eight years of George Bush, the last thing most of the world wants to do is encourage lazy, irresponsible behavior from some overgrown, spoiled rich kid.

Internet proof: The entire Chinese Democracy album leaked online November 18, 2008, yet Google searches for the record did not manage to crack the site’s “Hot Trend” 100 list for that day. Global citizens, it seemed, were more interested in learning about “Larry the Cable Guy’s wife” (the term ranked at #98) and “werewolf syndrome” (surprisingly somewhere in the mid-40s). Hell, more people were looking up “Baby Jessica well” and “Lean Cuisine recall” on November 18th than anything GN’R/Axl Rose-related (save Scott Weiland, the ninth most searched-for topic, and he only counts because he used to sing in a band with a few guys who used to be in Guns N’ Roses). I cross-referenced this with the Yahoo! Buzz Index like a good little researcher—alas, there was nary a listing there for the hard rock release David Geffen is probably hoping sells like 60 million hot cakes. It sure seems like Axl missed his window of peak interest (’98-’02?) for Chi Dem. Jane and Joe Lunchbox just aren’t interested anymore in a rock record that cost more to make than they could hope to earn in a lifetime.